Doom for everybody!

A few days ago, Kate and I were walking through Wal-Mart; as usual she had checked out the My Little Pony selection, and she was disappointed. She commented that they seemed to be dying out again, but that they did that occasionally, dying out then coming back a few years later. A rather interesting panorama opened itself up to me as my twisted little mind thought about that.

I imagined a G.I. Joe action figure poring over a map inside a plastic tent, the sounds of battle outside, explosions, screams, distant roaring. Suddenly a Barbie Doll burst into the room, covered with dirt, gouges showing in her plastic body.

"Sir!" She shouted, "a group of Pinkie Pies slipped behind our back lines, the Nerf artillery is being attacked!"

"My men are barely holding them back at the front, the Superhero dolls are trying to get around to flank them, I don't know who we can pull back to help," he sighed heavily. "Last time we had the might of the Thundercats; this time we were ill-prepared to drive back the Pony Legions. The Power Rangers underestimated the savagery of the My Little Ponies, and they paid for their arrogance dearly. I fear without a miracle, the minions of Hasbro might very well destroy us all this time."

"Maybe the Pokemon trainers can be called upon," she said. "The loss of Palkia and
Dialga was severe, but they still number in the hundreds."

"They might do as much damage to the artillery as the Ponies," he shook his head wearily. "No, I fear we have but one option left if we are to drive them back again. We must unleash Ruxpin."

She gasped. "Teddy Ruxpin? He's more than just a legend? I've only heard stories about him! He's not been seen for years!"

"Only in times of dire need has he been called forth, but we have need of him."

Suddenly the plastic radio next to the map crackled, and a panicked voice came through. "For Mattel's sake, hold them back! Sir! Do you read me? The ponies broke through, the Flutter Ponies dropped in a pack of newborn cuties and we can't hold them back any longer, we're in full retreat!"

"Fall back to Candyland, soldier, I'm sending reinforcements!" the commander shouted into the radio. "Galactic Heroes Obi-Wan, are your troops ready?"

"We are ready and approaching the front lines, General, the last of the Lego AT-TE walkers were just constructed and are being flown in," came the reply.

"Good, your Clones and Jedi will have to hold them off until we can bring out The Ruxpin. Without his might we haven't a chance."

In the end, the casualties would never be fully tallied. The Power Rangers had been nearly exterminated, the already vanishing Bratz would never be seen again. The Ruxpin's power wiped the Ponies out, but the Clones paid heavily for it. Even decades later, those traveling across the former battlefield would find scratched bricks and decaying weaponry. Without their dark masters, the fakie ponies and Littlest Pet Shop creatures were no more threat; hunted down like animals, they retreated to the deepest forests and the darkest of caverns. Time passed, memories faded and many convinced themselves that the Little Ponies were nothing more than shadows and nightmares. Though many forgot, the G.I. Joes would always remain vigilant, for they knew that someday Hasbro would again send in their Pony Legion to destroy the world...


Trav said...

Bravo! I remember the toy wars of the 80's well. The question is, on whose side were the cabbage patch dolls? /shudder

Mithrilina said...

I want what you're smoking... :-)

Justin said...

oh wow, that was great!

Sheri and Dan said...

That was the most fun I've had reading anybody's blog for some time. Cool. Thanks